Loneliness and Desperation

Charles Bukowski once said-"Find what you love and let it kill you".And what if I tell you that for some people like me Loneliness is the drug that we love and let us be killed in its psychedelic existential trip.No,here I am not confusing loneliness with solitude,I am precisely speaking of the real monster which lurks in our darkest dreams and yet that is what we get seduced upon when we learn to be sadistic about very basic things.Loneliness and pain had always been like a constant friend to me who never betrays me ever,sometimes I feel that Tagore's 'Ekla cholo re' would have been greatly personified keeping a future me in context-ofcourse leaving the motivational aspects of the song trimmed from it.Okay I get it,the tone of my writing through the blogs are getting darker and gloomier but I cant help it.No this is not for the case that I am dying to get attention for my self serving idiosyncratic greyscale emotions but it is just that I have been extremely lustful towards darkness from childhood itself.Light whether represented literally or metaphorically in my life has mostly appeared to be extremely whimsical to me yet the darkness had always clenched its cold but trustful hands around my wrist. I have never felt alone in the darker zones in my life,rather  they have boost me more to embrace the colour in its full aura.I am afraid of light,I am afraid of sweet caring words,I am afraid of love,I am afraid of having fun and the YOLO stuff ('you only live once') where it is too hard to say no to the dark lady.Being an agnostic I have  always been cynical about the idea of-'One day everything will be okay',but is life meant to be okay and alright or to embrace the pain,guilt,shame,anger that we often regard as to be too "untouchables" in the realm of 'awesome','great','fun' 'emotions'.Have we really pondered over the thought that we get more liberated when we befriend the devil inside us rather than the angel which tricks us into believing that everything is fine.Along with this romantic relationship with loneliness I have also found myself flirting with desperation as well, though desperation has appeared to be diametrically opposite to the mystery that loneliness possess.It is clingy,it is sweet,it is energetic yet also very optimistic.As ironical and contradictory as it may sound the lady called Desperation has droved me to obsess over things,dream over stuff,be wild with greed and yet punching in the face and laughing at my foolish idiotic state when I am down on my knees.With an angry face profusing with blood,guilt,shame but an extreme urge to compete and break the ego of these two ladies in front of life I rise again I call upon my darkness to overcome me ,I run towards Desperation and Loneliness -let them kill me, but stare through their eyes with a smile.Their eyes are filled with horror,they are afraid ,they want to run from me-they want to end this toxic relationship with me but I wont.I kiss them on their cheeks,hold their cold and scared hands and say-"Its me darling lets go Mr.Light is waiting for both of you at the end of the street -lets free you both from my sinister clutches and insomniac horror".