Procrastination and Social Outcast

 

I have been randomly procrastinating for a while along with a sense of void in terms of existential crisis.A shallow numbness has dawned on me which can neither be termed as sadness or any type of extreme hollow emotion that can be described as the state that I am going through.My subconscious is constantly nagging me to do some work yet my conscious mind is continuously on a rampage to over philosophize life and trying to make a sense of my personality and existence.As per numerology my life path number represents the number 7 and the challenge of 7 in this life continues to be a struggle to balance his introvert dreamy nature of isolation and spirituality to his extrovert nature of random curiosity and meeting new people.Basically the problem arises when the curse of choice dawns over and I suffer from the anxiety of realization whether I am missing out on the other choice or not.This has made me to come to the conclusion that this pursuit of balance rather be it from the personal to the professional,to being more social or spending more time with oneself,to trying to be unique or blending with all,this dilemma is the prime reason which takes away the midnight sleep of most humans on this globe.Sometimes it is so exhausting to meet with people with whom one cannot connect and feel so lonely whereas staying in solitude is so full of bliss.Yet even then there is a constant nag by the subconscious brain to force us to improve our social skills and do small talk even though we dont want to.Nowadays it is so hard to find people who would talk about space,science,books,cinema,society,life in general etc and have braingasm of ideas flowing.Mostly I get to know people who are interested about random gossip and other things.Okay I am not trying to sound like a snob but it is genuinely frustrating to talk with most people who donot have anything other to say apart from food,gossip or utmost cricket.Is it so difficult in this era to be an old soul and still spend hours upon thinking over poetry to physics to random jokes to human nature to spirituality etc?According to most relatives in my household I am mostly an introvert guy who is mostly boring,uninteresting and cannot continue a wellgoing 'KHILLI' in bengali. But how will I let them know that my heart is screaming and I am dying to speak and have a hour long conversation if their topic of 'khilli' shifts from gossip to interesting subjects.Due to this I am mostly a social outcast and even my sister is also unaware of the myriad world that I have already constructed in my brain since my childhood.Sometimes I feel that I am an alien in my household where no one knows me and even at times when they get a little glimpse I come out as too intense a person for them which basically spoils the mood.I am desperately in search of these old souls who will cherish these random conversations that can last for nights and days..is it too late or too early I dont know ....yet lets come together perhaps and talk about life itself......,perhaps for Life I think it is never too late to start....